Diary Thursdays - Part 6

Last night, I was flipping through my old journals to choose one for this Diary Thursday and was struck by this entry. Not because it made me laugh, but because it made me sad. Well, except for the fact that I spelled “buggs” with two G’s, that made me laugh. Also the P.S. is funny (guess which kitten is the black one).

But the rest of it made me remember a time when certain feelings were so new and unfamiliar, that I didn’t realize everyone had them. And I didn’t realize that I’d have the same feelings over and over for the rest of my life. And, worst of all, I didn’t realize that it was okay to have them.


Saturday, May 12, 1990 – 13-years-old

I’m depressed. Annie has a “boyfriend.” I don’t know why it buggs me so much. I’m so jealous. It’s not that I like Adam. Definitely not (too short). Maybe it’s because she’s so happy all the time, maybe it’s because I really want a boyfriend, maybe I’m worried Annie will spend too much time with Adam and not enough with me. Maybe it’s all three. Another thing that buggs me is I’m a terrible friend. I always get so jealous. It ruins everything. I wouldn’t blame Annie for hating me. I try to act like I’m happy for her (like I should be) but I think she can tell. I hate being jealous. It’s a terrible feeling. I hate me sometimes.

Audrey

P.S.
Lucy had kittens. Three Siamese and one black. Their names are: Samson, Lancelot, Guinevere and Nelson Mandela.

NOTE: According to the journal, Annie and Adam "broke up" on June 6th. A long-term relationship in those days. Annie, I hear, is now married with kids. And Adam, rumor has it, became a Hare Krishna.