Night owl

Why is it impossible for me to wake up in the morning? Even if I get in bed early (which is a joke because I can never fall asleep until 1am anyhow) and even if I don't have to be at work until 10am, I am physically incapable of getting out of bed until five minutes after I was supposed to leave for work. This is why I show up to the office daily with uncombed hair, unbrushed teeth and pillow creases still branded pinkly and painfully into my cheek.

I have a number of theories of why this is so. One involves the gravitational pull of the earth being particularly strong directly under my bed between 7 and 10am every morning. Since I have moved many times and this is an issue everywhere I’ve ever lived – LA, San Fran, Scotland and New York – this means that the gravitational pull moves around with me. Crazy thing, science.

Another theory is that I am just, by nature, a snoozer. No matter when I set my alarm for, I snooze until exactly 9:25am (5 minutes after when I should have left for the subway). That means I can get from 20 minutes of snoozing to 1 hour of snoozing. Again, crazy science.

My last theory is that I am, in fact, on time and the rest of the world is just early. This is my favorite theory, and the one I’m going to stick with. Soon the rest of the population will get their shit together and realize that the 11am-8pm work day is where it’s at, and everyone is currently just wasting precious morning sleep.

Until that day comes, I will hold firm to my belief that the only time anyone should ever see the sunrise is when they’re still up from the night before.