Seriously, I am simply hungry

I had heard tales of these Café Gratitudes that are sprouting up around the Bay Area. And I’d been avoiding them. Sure, the food sounded delicious and healthy, but I couldn’t abide by their menu titles. Every item on the menu is an affirmation. A statement about one’s character. Observe:


But, there happens to be one within walking distance of my office. And last week, Café Atlas was too full, Universal Café was too expensive so, against my better judgment, I ended up at Café Gratitude.

Here’s how the conversation went with the cheery, dreadlocked waitress.

ME: Yeah, I’d like an order of the spring rolls.
WAITRESS: I am insightful?
ME: Yeah, the spring rolls. And the caprese salad, with a side of olive tapenade.
WAITRESS: Okay, so I am Insightful, I am Present with a side of I am Extra Opulent.

Seriously, I wouldn’t make this shit up.


Unfortunately, the food was really good. So I’ve found myself back there more than once. Last week when I had the flu, I got one I am Healthy to go, which ended up being a giant cup of wheat grass (I am Going to Barf). And today, I decided to call in a to go order from my office. It was so loud in the restaurant that I ended up repeatedly shouting “I am Graceful. GRACEFUL! I SAID, I AM GRACEFUL!” so that the man on the other end of the line could hear me.

But what can I say, it’s the best bowl of kale and quinoa I’ve had in a while. To balance out the healthy overload, I washed it down with a can of Coke from the office fridge. I am Rotting My Teeth.