He can study the Talmud while I comb his beard.

Ladies and gentlemen, let it be stated for the record that I have still not joined J-Date.

However, in perusing through, I discovered, that you are allowed to create a mini-profile for free. You can’t send emails, read emails, IM anyone, or do anything remotely interesting, but people can check you out. I have been informed that 60 people have viewed me and 7 have emailed. That’s over a 10% response rate. Not too shabby. I cannot, however, see who has emailed nor what they said. That is left up to my imagination until I cough up the $35/month. No thank you, I’m sure the men in my imagination are wittier and cuter anyhow.

This free profile also apparently comes with frequent emails from J-Date to suggest people that the experts at J-Date think you’d “click” with. Yesterday they sent me the profile of this man, aptly named: Jew2539.



Yes, from one glance at this photo, anyone can see that Jew2539 and I are a perfect match. I have no doubt that we’d get along famously. We’ll spend lovely summers at the shore… me in my string bikini and Jew2539 with his sexy black hat and full suit. We’ll eat hot dogs together on the boardwalk and listen to rap music. We’ll go clubbing all night long. I bet Jew2539 is an excellent breakdancer.

Thank you J-Date, thanks for your shrewd intuition. You clearly understand exactly what I’m looking for in a partner. I’ll be sure to join right away.

Note: If anyone happens to know Jew2539 (numbers were changed for his protection) please understand that I mean no offense to him personally. I’m sure he’d be equally appalled by J-Date’s suggested match. For example, in his profile he states: “I try to follow Halacha stringently but within the realms of the community standard.” I am not entirely sure what Halacha is, but if I did know, I doubt I would follow it even remotely stringently.