Warning: post may contain offensive language

Day #3 in New Zealand. It's beautiful here, and wet. It's been pouring down rain since I arrived. Generally, I don't mind the rain, but recently, it's been impeding my plans. Yesterday, I was supposed to go swimming with dolphins. The boat was cancelled due to rain. Tomorrow I'm supposed to kayak Abel Tasman national park. We'll see if that happens. Why must the weather gods do this to me? And it doesn't help my mood that the locals keep saying "That's so strange, it's usually warm and sunny in March."

But, as Sarah Silverman says, when God gives you AIDS, make lemonaids. So instead of swimming with dolphins, I spent a cozy day at the hostel in front of the fire playing New Zealand Edition Monopoly with the other backpackers. And I'm proud to tell you that I kicked their International asses. By the end of the game I had hotels on every side of the board. Yes, I did America proud.

My winning streak continued into the night with a rousing game of Asshole. I used my presidential reign to create a rule that every time you pass, you have to yell out a swear word in your native language.

I now know how to say "cocksucker" in Spanish, French, Swedish and Maori. Never stop learning, that's my motto.

Who needs lame-ass dolphins when you can learn to curse in Maori?