Dear preacher on my subway car this morning,

Jolly and well-meaning though you were, there are specified places that people go to praise Jesus, and the uptown 5 train is not one of them. These places are called churches, and that is where the crowd is happy to sing the glory of their personal lord and savoir. It is not your duty nor your right to stand in the subway car and request that everyone join you in a shout of “Thank you, Jesus” (on the count of three) so as to ward off the devil.

And does it not strike you as the tiniest bit ironic that you’re standing directly behind an Orthodox Jew with his kepah-covered head bent over a reading from the Torah. Perhaps he feels that you should keep your religion to yourself, much like he is doing with his. But his tallis and his peyos do not dissuade you. You continue to carry on about Jesus Christ, even as the Jewish man exits at the next stop to move to a different car.

If there’s one thing I would like to thank Jesus for, it’s the Philips noise-cancelling in-ear headphones I just happened to have purchased last night. Can I get a Hallelujah?

Sincerely,
Audrey