Corrupting the Youth of America

This week I decided to do something productive with my life. I know, I know, what could be more productive than trying to get people to buy shit they don’t need with money they don’t have?

I’ll tell you what’s more productive – mentoring. Yep, I applied to be a mentor, to spend one hour every week with an “at-risk” kid to set an example as a responsible adult and make a “positive impact in a young person’s life.”

How scary is that? I’m going to warp his or her little mind with my cynicism, off-color humor and bad habits. “No, no, Tanisha, you suck the lime after you shoot the tequila.”

I’m kidding, I think it will be great. I still have to finish the application process – get fingerprinted, provide references, pass the background check to make sure I’m not a child abuser. I just hope that all those toddlers I beat in my early 20’s will stay hidden in that dark closet where I locked them.