Sway

A couple of my coworkers just installed a hammock in our office. So much for working.

Diary Thursdays: This one needs no intro

January 5th, Sunday, 1992, 14-year-old, 5:32pm

Well, I've now been on a date and made out with a guy. I feel I've graduated into a new class, though I did not necessarily like getting there. The date was weird. I can't exactly figure this guy out. First I met him at the library where we sat at a table and did math homework for an hour and forty-five minutes. Then, we went for an awkward walk through Cal campus. Then we went behind this building and as soon as we were away from people, he moved closer to me, put his arm around me, and the next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth and he's slobbering all over my lips. I was kind of stunned. I didn't know what to do. I kept thinking, "Is this how it's supposed to feel, it's not as much fun as I thought."

It wasn't like all my wonderful fantasies. It was, I don't know. Mushy. Wet. Kind of dull. Just plain weird. Maybe his tongue is too big. Maybe his entire mouth is too big. Maybe I'm just not as attracted to him as I thought. It was not very romantic.

Then we were back in public, walked down to Shattuck. I told him that I'd had a really good time and I'd like to do it again next weekend or something. Now I can't figure out why I said that. I guess I was just being polite. I think I totally led him on. I said goodbye and he didn't kiss me, which was good and bad, and then I walked home.

The entire way home I kept spitting. I think I got a saliva overbalance. I could not get over the idea that it was HIS spit that I was swallowing. Blech! But I'm very glad I know what it feels like to make out. From now on I won't be jealous of all those couples I see on the steps at Berkeley High. I've been in their shoes. Imagine what a disappointment sex is going to be! Maybe I'll just remain celibate.

Never too old to harass the cops

“Yay, you guys ordered stripper cops!” was my reaction when we saw the two policemen eating sushi at the table next to my birthday dinner last night.



Turns out they were real cops. No wonder they had guns. My mistake.

They were good sports about it though.



Thanks to Gary TJ for capturing this on film.

Thirty-onederful

I wasn’t super excited about this birthday. More just annoyed at the fact that I was another year older. I never thought I would be that person that didn’t like their birthday.

Turns out I’m still not. I woke up this morning thinking, “Yay! It’s my special day! Everyone celebrate my existence.”

The problem is that I’ve only been at my job for a month and don’t really have friends here yet, so no one knows it’s my birthday. Which means, no extra special attention for me today. I’m trying to think of a subtle way to let people know. Stephanie suggested wearing a party hat around the office. Not a bad idea. Or I could send out a companywide email “It’s my birthday. Revere me.”

Luckily, this afternoon, a company-wide email was sent out and we all stood around in the kitchen eating vegan carrot cake.

Anyway, it was a better birthday than 14. At least mom bought the right kind of puffy paint.

Diary Thursday: Miserable party

I’m sorry, but this entry is totally cracking me up. I thought it would be good to post now since my birthday’s coming up and I’m stressing about figuring out what to do to celebrate. What an ungrateful little brat I was. How fun I must have been for my parents.

February 25th, 1991, Saturday, 14-years-old, 11:41pm

I had a miserable birthday party. Nobody gave me good presents. I got a bunch of tapes I didn't want and have to return, a pair of earrings I already have, gift certificates I'm probably never going to use, and $40. Mom gave me some too small T-shirts to decorate with the wrong kind of puffy-paint. And Steve gave me a Swiss Army knife that has to be returned and exchanged. Oh, I'm so depressed. Plus, everyone at my party came, ate and left. We did not play games or anything. Actually, it probably wasn't that bad, I'm just in an awful bad mood. I'm depressed about play rehearsals because I have no friends!! And tomorrow I need to get a tetanus shot because Friday night I stepped on a thorn.

What a horrible mother I had that would buy the WRONG KIND of puffy paint.

Seriously, I am simply hungry

I had heard tales of these Café Gratitudes that are sprouting up around the Bay Area. And I’d been avoiding them. Sure, the food sounded delicious and healthy, but I couldn’t abide by their menu titles. Every item on the menu is an affirmation. A statement about one’s character. Observe:


But, there happens to be one within walking distance of my office. And last week, Café Atlas was too full, Universal Café was too expensive so, against my better judgment, I ended up at Café Gratitude.

Here’s how the conversation went with the cheery, dreadlocked waitress.

ME: Yeah, I’d like an order of the spring rolls.
WAITRESS: I am insightful?
ME: Yeah, the spring rolls. And the caprese salad, with a side of olive tapenade.
WAITRESS: Okay, so I am Insightful, I am Present with a side of I am Extra Opulent.

Seriously, I wouldn’t make this shit up.


Unfortunately, the food was really good. So I’ve found myself back there more than once. Last week when I had the flu, I got one I am Healthy to go, which ended up being a giant cup of wheat grass (I am Going to Barf). And today, I decided to call in a to go order from my office. It was so loud in the restaurant that I ended up repeatedly shouting “I am Graceful. GRACEFUL! I SAID, I AM GRACEFUL!” so that the man on the other end of the line could hear me.

But what can I say, it’s the best bowl of kale and quinoa I’ve had in a while. To balance out the healthy overload, I washed it down with a can of Coke from the office fridge. I am Rotting My Teeth.

Other people's dogs

Best thing about working full time: paid holidays.

Today’s the first paid holiday I’ve had in almost two years. And it feels gooood.

Here’s my summary of this glorious three-day weekend. In haiku form.

Northern Cal beaches
Friends that drive me in their cars
Other people’s dogs

Maggie had never been to Fort Funston. She loved it.



Ben ruled Muir Beach.



Internet, I need a dog so badly.

Parking lot

This is our company parking lot. It’s vertical.


It’s things like this, as well as the fact that my coworkers and I spent yesterday afternoon howling and chasing a girl dressed like a mountain goat up a hill where we sat in the dirt and listened to the sage advice a Navajo tribesman, that make me happy to be working where I work. Happy, and very confused. I was thinking today, during our weekly Thursday meditation, that I’m so not in the corporate advertising world anymore.

Note: Diary Thursday is being pushed to Friday again. Perhaps I'll do something special for Valentines' Day then.

The shells get a little itchy

I haven’t been sick in years. Possibly decades. So now that I’ve caught this cold/flu thingy, I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. Mostly I continue to live my life as normal – go to work, go out to dinners, go to bars. I just complain more. But only via Gchat, as I have no voice.

Me: so tired of being sick

Stephanie: yeah

Me: I want my voice back

Stephanie: no fun!

Me: I feel like the little mermaid

Stephanie: it's the shell bra

Me: how did you know i was wearing that today?

Stephanie: you are a predictable mermaid

Me: I was thinking it was more because of the talking seagull that I've befriended.

Stephanie: both

Beach time

Being in LA over the weekend reminded me how much I miss living near the beach. It’s a great way of life, so close to the ocean. Super relaxed, everyone’s tan and happy, and the surfer guys don’t wear shirts.

Aside from getting sick, it was a fun trip down. And it felt SO good to be in the summer sun, back in flipflops and shorts. When will summer come to SF?

Highlights of the weekend included:

Watching the Manhattan Beach surfers.


Seeing Baby Noah, who’s a year old now; hardly a baby anymore.


And of course, those gorgeous LA beach sunsets. This is the view from Carolyn’s apartment in Hermosa Beach.

The land without seasons

TGI fuckin’ F. Heading to LA tonight, the land that San Franciscans love to hate. But, having lived there, I know that behind the pedicures and the boob jobs, past the peroxided hair and the headshots, there’s actually a very cool city, a number of good friends and most importantly, weather highs in the 70’s. Southern Cali beaches, here I come. Is it being too presumptuous to bring my bikini?

Diary Thursday: right in the chest

Time once again for Diary Thursdays and, in keeping with last week’s theme: let’s find the most embarrassing and personal stuff we can, here’s a doozy. We all have moments of massive realizations, and this was a particularly life-changing one.


November 11th, 1992, Wednesday, 15-years-old

You’re not going to believe this. Even I don’t believe it. I was suddenly hit with a wave of depression, or self pity, a sudden loss of self confidence. A sudden reality came screaming at me and hit me right between the eyes, or rather, right in my chest. My breasts are too big! I can’t believe I never realized this before. They’re huge, and they’re still growing.

Wait! This is absurd. Do you know what I’m doing? Oh my god, I’m letting what those guys said to me get to my head. But it was a compliment. Or was it? It’s stupid to be upset with one’s body because it’s not something that can be changed. Okay, I’m making a pact with myself here and now. I, Audrey, will be proud of my body no matter what. But boobs, PLEASE stop growing.

And I think back then, they were 32 C’s at most.

But rashes can't use a computer.

My friend, Stephanie, is looking for a new job (if anyone’s hiring designers, let me know). Yesterday, she forwarded this reply to recent resume submission.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: jobs
Date: Feb 5, 2008 10:48 AM
Subject: RE: Design Associate
To: stephanie

Hi Staphanie,

Thank you for applying to the Design and Sales Associate position. Your resume is being reviewed.

Assistant HR Manager

Steph and I were laughing for at least an hour. Clearly they were replying to my old rash! How did they know?

Free sticker

I voted today, for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it makes me feel empowered.

Secondly, I really care about who wins this primary. I think that Obama will make both a more motivation leader as well as a more electible candidate.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I’m using the “I voted” sticker to cover up the nipple hole in my favorite shirt.

Go vote today. Get your free sticker!

Acquired

It’s been a crazy few days at work. For the few of you left that I haven’t told, last week I was hit with a big surprise at my job. When I started working here, I thought I was leaving the advertising world to work at a small, privately-owned sustainability consulting firm. Then, one week into the job, we had a big meeting announcing that we had been acquired by one of the largest and most influential global advertising ad agencies in the world. Surprise!

As you can imagine, some of the folks here are concerned that we’re being taken over by the “evil” corporate ad people. But from my perspective, with my background in advertising, I think that this is a great opportunity for this company. Our unchanging mission is to send an important message to everyone – from individuals to large corporations – about how to live life better and more sustainably. Now with this big company behind us, our reach is that much wider.

Sounds like I’m drinking the Koolaid, I know. But I’m really, truly excited about this opportunity. I feel like I got here just in time to help build this company from the floor up (all the employees here are helping out in the process of opening 5 new offices around the word in the next three months). And once this company is built, it has the ability to change the world as we know it.

As my CEO put it, we are committed to world-changing ideas that help build a sustainable future across all dimensions: economic, environmental, social and cultural. No company will succeed unless it shares an inspired, sustainable benefit.

Also, he told me this in his socks. Because that his how we conduct all big meetings here – on pillows on the floor of our conference room. I can’t wait to see this practice spread to corporate offices around the world.

I wonder if the new employees across the world will flush their pee.