Spray Simmons

I should’ve been tipped off by the orange hue of the man checking me in. Instead, I remained undeterred and continued into my spray tan appointment. This was all in the name of my Richard Simmons costume for Bay to Breakers, to which I was extremely devoted, beyond good judgment.

“So, is this stuff toxic?” I asked him as he showed me to the small booth.

“Not at all, it’s just sugar molecules, so it’s totally fine to breathe.”

I did not believe this carrot-faced man, but listened carefully to his instructions anyhow.

“Once you see this flashing green light, you have four poses,” he actively demonstrated as he spoke. “1. Ballerina 2. Charlie’s Angels to the left. 3. Charlie’s Angels to the right. 4. Turn your back.”

I tried to take it all in.

“Once you’re done, go back to the room with your clothes. You’ll notice that your tan is uneven. Use the towel to blot and the babywipes to clean certain areas.”

I was already lost. “Wait, so I take all my clothes off? Do I close my eyes? Are you sure it’s okay to breathe this stuff?”

“You’ll be fine. Come get me when you’re done.”

The booth itself was interesting, in a gas chamber kind of way. I tried to remember everything the Oompa Loompa said. Once I’d been sprayed down on all four sides, I went back to my small, mirrored room and gazed at my body. It was streaked, splotchy and awful. My face looked dirty and my feet looked like I’d been hiking barefoot in mud. Four baby wipes and some towel-patting later, I looked far worse.

I decided it was time to leave before I did any more damage. Richard Simmons, I kept telling myself. Richard Fake-tan Simmons.

Traffic Cone Head didn’t laugh at me when I exited, he just reminded me that the spray tan is buy one get one free. Yes, like I would ever return to the gas chambers by choice.

The next day, I was almost too embarrassed to go to yoga. Brian didn’t help by saying “I wouldn’t leave the house like that if I were you.” (This coming from the man who made me smell his wet hair this morning because he couldn’t remember if he’d shampooed in the shower or not.)

But a couple days worth of new skin and an exfoliating shower later, my tan doesn’t look half bad. It worked out well for my Richard Simmons outfit; I looked just like this (real pictures from yesterday to follow):