Augusten Wannabe

I have a new idol. His name is Augusten Burroughs, and he’s recently joined the ranks in my mind of David Sedaris, Shel Silverstein, and the girl in Belle and Sebastian as people I want to be when I grow up.

This decision was made on the subway last week while reading “Possible Side Effects,” Burrough’s latest collection of memoirs. Unlike the internationally famous author/NPR personality, the famous children’s poet and the Scottish rock star, Augusten Burroughs and I actually have a lot in common. He used to be a hotshot copywriter in a big New York ad agency. While I’m not sure that I’ve reached hotshot status, I can certainly empathize with his pain at sitting through board meetings for Junior Mints in which they discuss consumers’ “Mint Threshold.” He doesn’t even know the pain of sitting a boardroom discussing online tools for constipation.

Years back, Burroughs quit advertising to publish his memoirs. And now that he’s successful, he’s ridding his home of all the items he bought with his “dirty advertising money.” Some day, that will be me.

Also, he gets frequent nosebleeds. Just like me! I know, scary, right? It’s like we were separated at birth. Except that he’s a neurotic, gay recovering alcoholic/drug addict. Minor details. But if that’s what it takes to be a successful writer, I’m willing to give up a few brain cells. Does anyone know where I score get some crack?

In addition to start smoking crack, I’ve decided to start writing my memoirs. It’s my new New Years Resolution, replacing that “Do more crosswords” one, because that was just dumb; everyone knows I can’t spell.

What are memoirs if not just extended blog posts? Actually, I started writing my memoirs a few years ago and then got bored and stopped. But this weekend, I started again and I’ve decided to publish them, here, on the World Wide Interwebs for all to read. And then perhaps someday in a book, so I can actually get paid, and then sell all the possessions I acquired with my dirty advertising money.

Go to my new memoir blog, entitled Auds and Ends (I know, cheesy), to read my first story about my recent experience buying designer clothes. I hope you’ll be very entertained.