Confessions of a cyberstalker

In the olden days, before the Internet, people were forced to use traditional methods of getting to know someone. They would ask friends of friends, listen in on conversations, or, if they were really brave, go up and actually speak to the person they were trying to get to know.

Luckily, for those of us in the 21st century, these antiquated methods are no longer needed. Now we have the Internet, where people are more than willing to divulge personal information through multiple channels. With networking sites like Myspace, Friendster, and Facebook, getting up the courage to speak to the cute boy at the gym is just not necessary.

With a simple click of a mouse, I know that Cute Gym Boy is single. He’s my age. He enjoys playing with his nephews, foreign films and spicy tuna rolls. All this I found out without even having to talk to him. It’s great, because if I were to go up ask him these things in person, he might think I was interested. He might even ask me out on a date. In which case I would probably have to leave my apartment, which would entail putting on deodorant and pants.

Okay, so I’m not really that much of an introvert. Eventually, of course, I will go up and speak to him. When this momentous day occurs, I can use my Internet-gained knowledge to my advantage. Or, if I’m not careful, this knowledge can turn around and bite me in my lazy, pantsless ass.

Example A: The wrong way to be a cyberstalker

“So how old are your nephews? Oh, um, yeah I know you never mentioned that you had nephews er, uh, I guess you’ve always struck me as sort of avuncular.”

Example B: Embarrassing cyberstalkers everywhere

“Hey, give me a high five for that delicious chocolate cheesecake at Juniors, cause I know you love high fives and Junior’s chocolate cheesecake. I mean, I assume you do. I mean, um… who doesn’t?”

Example C: Using cyberstalking to your advantage

“So the other day I was reading Amsterdam by Ian McEwan on my way up to The Arcade Fire concert and totally spilled my chicken tikka masala all over my shirt and… what? No way! That’s your favorite book and your favorite band and your favorite food too?!? Crazy! You wanna make out?”