Done

I hate to disappoint anyone that was gunning for all ten days, but I’ve decided to cut my ten-day cleanse into a five-day cleanse. All the books say that you don’t get the desired results until day ten, but I’m feeling pretty good. And I think my insides are clean enough.

I know. Quitters never win, blah blah blah, but there were a number of factors that lead to this decision. First and foremost, the cleanse is fucking up my teeth. I already have some areas with weak enamel and the lemon juice is wearing it away until it hurts to brush them. I’ve tried drinking through a straw, rinsing my mouth out after each sip, but nothing really seems to help. This is not good. I need those teeth to do stuff like chew, and smile prettily, and, um, gnaw through a rope quickly should I ever be tied to dynamite.

Secondly, I just found out that I start a new freelance gig on Monday (I’ll tell you all about it later, believe me, it’s even funnier than the last one) and I just don’t want to deal with the cleanse my first week at a new job.

And lastly, it’s turning me into a hermit. And being a hermit is boring. I’m sick of turning down dinner plans and happy hour drinks and picnics in the park. I could see how the ten days would be easy in a small town with nothing to do, but New York has so many delicious restaurants, fabulous bars and interesting street meats. Fasting in Manhattan is like being celibate in country full of gorgeous men (New Zealand, for example), it’s just a waste of resources.

So there you have it. Today is my fifth and last day on the Master Cleanse. It’s been, well, interesting. I have two giant jugs of grade B organic maple syrup left if anyone wants to buy them. They cost me $13.95 each, so I’d be happy to get that money back. Any takers?