Squatting Vs. Sitting

It’s a debate I’ve had with many of my girlfriends for many years. You see, I am a loyal, steadfast Sitter. Unless I’m in the dirtiest, most disgusting public bathrooms of nastiness, I will plunk my white ass right down on that toilet seat with joyful abandon.

Then there are the stubborn Squatters. Not to name names, but you know who you are and you’re ruining it for the rest of us! YOU, with your thigh-burning yoga moves. YOU, with your Brazilian-waxed wild sprays. YOU are the ones that are peeing all over the goddamned seat.

If everyone just placed their butts nicely on the seat, no one would spread any germs. It’s just skin on skin. Unless you need to rub your labia all over the porcelain because you pee like a freak, you’ll get more germs from touching the doorknob when you exit the bathroom.

However, I’m prepared to offer a compromise. For those of you ladies that just cannot bring your royal backsides to come into contact with the unworthy porcelain, maybe you can at least lift the seat up so as to keep it clean for the rest of us. Do we have a deal?